Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

1993

1/4 Stars

Deep in the heart of Japan in the year 1603 there once existed an evil Lord Norignaga who traded gold for guns with the manipulative cowboy Walker. Norignaga's many treasures included a great scepter, one which had the power to allow its owner to TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!

Flash forward to New York City, 1993- into the heart of the sewer! Enter four familiar faces- Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo, dancing their way into the frame. Their old friend April O'Neil arrives. She is carrying bags of garbage she recently bought from a flea market. Hidden among the trash is a scepter that a certain Lord Norignaga has been looking for for a very long time...

So begins the dreadful Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Shredder and the footclan are vanquished, but a battle in 1603 Japan has yet to be fought. As the prophecy foretells (this is actually part of the movie), it is up to the turtles to fight this battle.

Where to begin? The turtles look atrocious. Their skin is covered in pock marks and their mouths move like sock puppets. Master Splinter looks like he has been run through a garbage disposal and is about to fall apart at any moment. Casey Jones returns, although his role is minimized to the point that he just sits around and watches over some ninjas who are "lost in time".

The turtles' primary attack in the film is "wet willy time". This move involves them sticking their fingers in the ears of the bad guys and making weird noises. This causes the enemy to panic and run away in terror (?). The jokes are horrible ("schwingggg!!" (?)) and the "wacky sound effects" make this movie far worse than the TV show ever was.

One star.